September 30, 2022

Education For Live

Masters Of Education

Conservatives Explain Why They Are Homeschooling Their Kids

3 min read
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For some conservatives, no school can be “anti-woke” enough. The Onion asked right-wing Americans why they are homeschooling their kids, and this is what they said.

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Phil Briance (Lab Technician)

Phil Briance (Lab Technician)

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“Schools are funded by taxes, taxation is theft, and I’ll be damned if I let my own children steal from me.”

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Nelson Marsh (Mine Safety Engineer)

Nelson Marsh (Mine Safety Engineer)

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“If I can keep my kid from knowing Black people exist until he’s 18, he might just turn out okay.”

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Esther Greenleaf (Stay-At-Home Mom)

Esther Greenleaf (Stay-At-Home Mom)

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“Husband forbids his wives and children from leaving the Great Compound lest we fall prey to outside treachery. It’s better this way.”

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Scott Williamsen (Bartender)

Scott Williamsen (Bartender)

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“The final straw was opening up my kid’s grammar book and seeing a whole section about pronouns.”

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Asa Hutchinson (Arkansas Governor)

Asa Hutchinson (Arkansas Governor)

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“The public schools in Arkansas are a disgrace.”

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Wes Palumbo (Audio Engineer)

Wes Palumbo (Audio Engineer)

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“I’ll never allow my child to learn something I don’t already know.”

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Buck Wheatley (Pest Control Specialist)

Buck Wheatley (Pest Control Specialist)

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“There’s nothing they can learn in school that I can’t explain incoherently.”

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Cary Hildman (Chiropractor)

Cary Hildman (Chiropractor)

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“One day, my daughter came home from kindergarten and showed me a sketch of her holding hands with another girl. I de-enrolled her right on the spot. Turns out the girl in the drawing was supposed to be me, but I stand by my decision.”

Anna Kerr (Pastry Chef)

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“​I won’t subject my son to a school where they only say the Pledge of Allegiance once a day.”

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George Sherwood (Landscaper)

George Sherwood (Landscaper)

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“It’s what I told the judge in truancy court.”

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Brian McAdams (Investment Banker)

Brian McAdams (Investment Banker)

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“My 8-year-old learns best when Tucker Carlson is yelling in the background.”

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Randall Carter (Carpet Salesman)

Randall Carter (Carpet Salesman)

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“Go ahead and try to find a school teacher who knows more than me about commercial and residential carpets.”

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Georgia Stoltz (Masseuse)

Georgia Stoltz (Masseuse)

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“You can start your school year in October and then buy all the school supplies at a discount! It’s fucking genius!”

Barb Eastman (Realtor)

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“I used to drop my kid off at school, and they’d come home knowing about fractions or something. How’d that happen? Why wasn’t someone watching?”

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Brian Salamone (Forklift Operator)

Brian Salamone (Forklift Operator)

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“Getting to eat lunch every day was making them entitled.”

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Caitlin O’Rourke (Teacher)

Caitlin O’Rourke (Teacher)

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“I’ve seen the damage someone like me can do in the classroom.”

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Henry Hawthorne (Entrepreneur)

Henry Hawthorne (Entrepreneur)

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“Thanks to the flexibility that homeschooling provides, my kids can work longer hours at my steel mill.”

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Lucy Monroe (Payroll Specialist)

Lucy Monroe (Payroll Specialist)

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“I ostracized all of my adult friends and needed someone to talk to during the day.”

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Marcia Henderson (Grocer)

Marcia Henderson (Grocer)

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“Most schools in our district barely touch on Henderson family history these days.”

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Shawn Gordon (Police Officer)

Shawn Gordon (Police Officer)

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“I just can’t trust the public school system to keep up with my child’s advanced levels of indoctrination.”

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Gabby Flaherty (Project Manager)

Gabby Flaherty (Project Manager)

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“I thought being around kids her own age all day was bad for her social development.”

Kelly Jenkins (Blogger)

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“There’s so much more opportunity for content creation when we have the whole day together.”

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Stuart Corley​ (Dentist)

Stuart Corley​ (Dentist)

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“If my kid’s going to get shot in class, I’d rather it be from me.”

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